Bottle Caps
by Nyphetamine
Summary: Kagome Higurashi lived in a box by a Tokyo subway. Then she finally met with luck. What would YOU do if you had just become rich? COMPLETE. To be edited in the future
1. Lady Luck

I couldn't help but whistle as I paddled my feet through the rain-covered side walks—No wait… I was gliding.

You see, I'm not the type of person who fares well in the sun. My complexion is so horrible, it only takes five minutes of exposure to the sun, and suddenly I'm as bright as that wretched crocheted scarf my Grandma Tabitha created for my birthday. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if it was a scarf. It looked more like baby bib after the baby barfed.

Ew. My mind is in the gutter—Just not the perverted gutter.

Not that barf-covered-baby-bib-scarves have anything to do with my story. Yes, it seems I am a pointless wanderer of thought…

But as it was, I was left walking in the rain, a favorite past time of mine ever since I could poop.

Gutter… _Again…_

I let myself sigh in false agitation as I stumbled my way up the stairs that led to my job. I am the proud manager of the local Tokyo elementary school cafeteria. I held almost as much pride over our food as I did for my very first hand-tracing picture that I managed to scribble out last week.

Haha, weak as it sounds, that was my attempt at sarcasm. I guess I'm rather dumb. That's what my last high school teacher said, anyway.

It makes sense, because I have absolutely no income. As soon as I get my pay check, it shreds itself away in my stacks of debts, bank loans, and taxes. My electricity is never working.

Not because I can't afford it. Just because my old bills are stacked all the way to my ceiling.

The staff where I work are constantly nagging me about taking baths. Since when were baths important? I thought cavemen like… never bathed… So why can't I live like them? Lord knows my house is suitable enough for those old days.

Oh yeah! BO became a problem when human beings evolved into smarter people that actually cared if they were naked and smelt bad. My bad!

I slapped my forehead in response to my thoughts as I entered the cafeteria office. All of the old ladies with far more experience than I turned and stared for a minute before whispering to each other and mumbling 'oh it's just you'.

I'm not very liked, you see, because I'm still fresh and new. I'm the only virgin in the place. According to the head cook, there were even some second graders at this school that beat me to it. Kids these days really are growing up fast. But I couldn't help but wonder why or how she knew that. It kind of made my knees collide together remembering about all of my old secrets and that scary glint in the cafeteria lady's eyes as I passed by back in elementary days.

I wonder if she somehow figured out it was me who slipped that love letter from the principal into her satchel. She was in a glassy daze for weeks after I did that.

"Kagome, could you get your ass in here and help me write the new schedule?"

I blinked and turned toward the lady speaking and twirled my hair around my index finger.

"I can't."

"Why not? Are your legs broken? You have no ability?" Her eyes snapped up and onto my face in an instant as she furrowed her brows.

"Oh I most certainly have the ability! It's just…" I didn't mean to pause or stutter, it just came out that way. "I don't have the desire to help."

"You are in no position to tell me what you desire and what you do not desire." I grimaced as her cold fingers grasped my wrist and pulled me near her.

Okay, I lied to you. Shows you what type of reliable narrator I am. Truth be told, I am not the manager. I am the 'hot teenage girl in a hair net' that washes the tables in the cafeteria and I get to help plan new schedules, too when Nina is feeling 'exotic' and 'risky'.

Nothing is more death-defying than creating a new lunch menu for grade-school students. Heh, screw bungee jumping.

"You are under my power, remember?"

I stared at her hairline as her temple pounded with the hard beat of her stone heart. Her eyes turned a dark shade of brown, glinting a frightening red in the ray of light.

"Are you a demon?" I laughed mentally, nervously, also. It slipped, but hey, give me credit. I am pretty darn crafty if I do say so myself.

"That's it! You're fired, you hear that? Gone, good bye!"

I blinked as the words registered in my head. I was being let go.

Hmm… Maybe I should have a party tonight…

I quickly snapped back to reality, playing a smirk on my lips.

"Ungrateful little… you're not upset?"

"No." My lips formed words without my mental thoughts, and for once I was glad. Stupidity helps when you're distressed about money management. "I have an amazing hand-tracing picture to go home to. For that, I am pleased." With my smirk still in place, I turned on my heel and glided out of the cafeteria.

"Damn bottle caps always getting in the way…", I mumbled. I was always talking to myself, upset or not. For you see, there were no bottle caps. The streets were spotless, even of people. That's a new record for Tokyo…

I glanced all around my environment, gasping for the ten-millionth time in my life as I read the title of the building near by my apartment. It was called 'Kagome'. You see, my name was always meant to be on a bill board or on a huge building. It's that… famous kind of name. It clicks off the tongue in this pungent way that would flood the nostrils in a nasally way if it were a food. It's such a good name, it makes my gagging reflexes react.

No, I didn't really hate my name. I hated what it was tied to. _Kagome vegetable Juice._ I was named after vegetable Juice. Hell, if my dad wasn't as sensible as he happens to be, my mom probably would have named me Clorox because it 'rings of cleanliness and the wonderful smell of bleach.' She's so random, she's almost funny.

But no, this story is about me. Not her. Not my dad. Not second grade prostitutes. Not destroyed-by-vomit-baby-bibs. Just Kagome.

I'm so normal, I'm abnormal. I'm known for my dry humor, making jokes that are only funny to the simple minded, like myself, and jokes that make a lot of sense. So much sense, they lose their real humor. It's one of the reasons no one wants to talk to me. I'm still trying to grasp ironic jokes. Sarcasm has always been one of my favorite attributes to a person. Especially a person with dark humor. Darkness amuses me because it's so mature and it reminds me of walking in the rain. Speaking of rain…

I trailed off from my thoughts and realized I had walked ten buildings away from my apartment complex. It's amazing how time flies when you're imagining your old manager being…

Sorry daring adventurers, but I had to edit that part out. It was too graphic. Even I shouldn't know what I was thinking.

Haha, that is what we consider a 'funny' in my world of comedy.

I decided to turn quickly and rush back down the side walk before I looked like an idiot. Scratch that, I am an idiot so I might as well look the part.

I stopped walking for a minute and pulled out a hat from my tarnished old bag. It's amazing how I always had what I needed when I needed it. It's like I have magic powers or something.

I quickly put the hat on my head in a crooked but non-gangsta way so that I looked like a wannabe toddler. I unbuttoned the top two buttons of my shirt and pulled it so that one of my shoulders was completely bare while the other was completely covered. I then moved my hands and smeared my mascara all the way down my cheeks and quickly pulled my athletic shorts down to show the top half of my underwear.

I love having the excuse of ADHD.

"Mom… why is that old lady dressed like a wh—"

"Tomi, hush your damn mouth! Ladies don't swear, dammit!"

"But mom, I'm not a girl and my name isn't Tomi…"

"I don't give a damn!"

I watched in mock amusement as the little boy stared at his mom, befuddled by her strange behavior. I found it endearing, though I couldn't for the life of me remember what endearing meant. I really just hope it means something along the lines of 'Gay'.

Haha, I just can't stop my funnies, they come out like crazy! And that's when it hit me. Like a baseball to the head. A concussion type of feeling.

I was a complete moron in the truest sense of the word.

Of course, as always, I didn't take this quite the way I should. Instead of fixing the odd corrections I had made to my appearance, I simply shrugged and continued walking back to my apartment complex. Now that I knew what a moron I was, I wanted to go and see if anyone else would see it. I like to think of it as an emotional life-changing event.

Yeah—I like that title. It's what my mom said about the first day I became potty trained. Of course I still haven't relieved myself of that old habit. I still sing 'plop, plop fizz, fizz oh what a relief it is' when in a public restroom. It's proof that I'm stupid.

And stupid I shall remain, never able to make money and fix my life.

Stumbling once again, I entered the apartment complex, pulling out a small sandwich and sliding it across the front desk in the lobby to the tall, dark, and handsome man who remained absorbed in his newspaper.

"I brought you food."

"Mmhmm…"

"It uses wonder bread…" My voice was taunting as I tried to pull him out of his reverie.

"Mmhmm…"

"And miracle whip!"

At that he lifted his head and looked both ways and then at me.

"Did you say… _whip_?"

I nodded, knowing full well what he thought I meant.

"Nice and creamy, too. Spreads nicely."

"Where is she!"

I laughed mentally but acted dumbfounded out loud.

"She? I said miracle whip. You know… the stuff they use on… sandwiches?"

I watched as his excitement fell and he poked at the wrapped piece of something (I'm not sure what to call it, honestly) and sighed.

"This is my life, huh?"

I nodded and looked around. I really needed a beer to reenact this moment.

"Yup", I said in a low, bored voice.

"Yup", he repeated.

He bent down and pulled out a Pepsi and snapped the tab back, sniffing as it fizzed. That was Miroku's favorite smell. The fizz of Pepsi.

"You know, Kagome… you're not looking too bad… Maybe—"

"I'm your cousin."

"So? Cousins elope in the south!"

"I'm your first cousin. It's illegal."

I was always amused by his desperate attempts. His latest fling had been with the new life guard, Sango. She didn't seem to care much for him. She almost got him convicted, but my mom would hear nothing of it. Something about men in our family being 'built with few brains'. I don't know. Her ramblings are almost worse than mine.

"You know… Sango almost agreed to a date with me today…"

I snickered and grabbed the Pepsi from him, sipping slowly from it before responding.

"Almost? I'm guessing you did something stupid?"

"Well… she slapped me and ran off… But I did nothing! What's wrong with a small little grope on the butt?"

I grimaced and threw the soda at him, drowning him in sodium and a hundred more unknown chemicals.

"It's so degrading that it just… degrades women!"

"Wow… you're using big words, Vegetable Juice. Next you'll be talking in German."

I smiled and jumped over the counter.

"Isn't it my turn to work?"

"You have a job and it's not here, don't you remember?"

"I got fired."

I stared at him as he rolled his eyes and picked me up, hastily throwing me back over the counter.

"Go find a new job. You're being evicted from your apartment."

"What! Man, be cool!"

"Sorry. That's how it works, veggie girl. I'll see you during the family reunion."

I scoffed at him as I ran to the elevator, desperate to save my property. I waited as the futile thing stopped at a floor five stories down from mine. It was sickening the type of people that lived here. The occupants of this particular floor decided to shove me to the side while continuing what was obviously a much-desired make out session. I felt the need to avert my eyes, but it didn't do me any good as the man decided to reach for me.

"Two girls…" He gasped, "are always better than one…" He dove back in, doing what seemed to me to be 'eating' her mouth. He pulled me towards them by my neck, which I tried desperately to reject. It was not the most appealing invitation I had ever received. But there were very few ways to reject them.

"Uhm…"

"Please… join…", he gasped, looking at me. I noticed for the first time that the girl was oddly familiar.

"Ah, uhm…" I thought quickly for an excuse, smiling as I finally found one. "Herpes. Can't kiss with herpes." I pointed to my mouth, watching as he grimaced slightly and then moved his eyes downward below my abdomen.

Quick, Kagome, think!

"Genital, too. I'm not all that clean. I used to work that corner near Jack in the Box…"

His eyes brightened in acknowledgement as he quickly backed away, leaving me passage to my floor.

I provided him a bright smile as I dashed down the hall to my room. I truly couldn't believe I had the balls to say that. The guy was hot, but I just had to turn him down.

Stupid Kagome!

But for once, I was happy to be a moron.

"Move your wide-loads NOW!"

I jerked my head to the site in front of me. Everything I owned was sitting out in the hall. I couldn't believe it. Miroku was being honest!

"Excuse me miss, but are you Kagome Higurashi?"

I nodded, and grabbed the mans arm.

"Please tell me you saved my hand-tracing picture!"

"The one in the frame?"

I nodded, losing my voice temporarily.

"Sorry miss… but we had to trash it. It had no value, and we are only taking things of value."

My lips pursed into a small 'o' as I growled softly and dug my claws into his forearm.

"That had so much value to me though!"

"Ma'am, let go of my arm before I not only get you evicted, but I send you to jail."

My reflexes beat my mind, as everything does, and my arm pulled away from his.

"Please, dig it out of the trash!"

"You can." He held out a big black trash bag to me, staring at me oddly as I opened it and dug into it.

"Ah ha!" I smiled in triumph as I pulled out my sacred picture and looked at him with my doe eyes. "thank you kind sir." I handed him the bag and watched as he faltered slightly.

"Was it made by a daughter or something?"

I smiled and shook my head.

"It's the first drawing I ever made of my hand."

"That's cute… what year?"

"Just last week, actually. It still has that new crayon smell."

He closed his eyes and mouthed something that resembled the words, 'Total idiot', but because I could not be sure, I simply turned and ran back down to the elevator.

I tapped my foot as I 'patiently' waited for it to stop at my floor. It really didn't want to work on my side today. And seeing as the picture was the only thing they'd let me keep, I had nothing to really go to. I'd try to find a box on the side walk later.

Finally the doors opened and the elevator made a small 'cling' noise. As all elevators in Tokyo do, the doors began to slam shut on me as I shuffled inside, glad to save my head from total damnation. But it wasn't the doors that caused my breath to catch in my throat.

As soon as I had entered, I noticed a man standing in the elevator, his back turned to me as he seemed distracted by a particular picture on the back wall. I panned my head around to glance over his shoulder and noticed just what it was that had grasped his attention. A large picture that had obviously been taken by a camera phone was posted there a familiar paragraph.

'_The infamous 'Jack in the Box' prostitute has been found. If you see her, stay away. She's infected.'_

I grimaced as I realized the picture was me and the sentence was what I had told the man from earlier. But this beautiful man turned his head at my breath on his neck and stared with an indescribable look on his face.

"HIV or what?"

I breathed in, his breath taking golden eyes staring intensely.

"Herpes. Both kinds."

He shook his head and looked at the ground.

"That's nasty."

"It was a joke!", I added defensively. For some reason, I cared what he thought about me. As if there was some kind of connection…

"But you're dressed for it."

I looked down and realized I had never fixed my clothes from earlier and sighed.

"I was trying to act like… an idiot…" It was a different side to me. I normally didn't tell the truth so often. Not to men, anyway.

"So you're an idiot acting like one?"

"Pretty much…" I sighed, knowing he could read me better than I could read him and turned away. Maybe I wouldn't be readable if I couldn't see him. "But of course I have some maturity."

"Well the only sign of maturity I see would be your conversing skills. I normally don't speak to lower class…"

"Excuse me, but you're the one using an apartment complex elevator!"

"So are you. And I'm here on business. Not that it matters to poor scum."

"Poor scum my ass…", I mumbled, knowing full well that he was right. But I wouldn't give in to him. Never ever, because I'm Kagome and I'm awesome like that.

Without thought, I began to do my 'triumphant' dance, which caused him to shake his head as the doors opened, revealing his floor.

"Bye." He swiftly glided (because I love that word) out of the elevator and down the hall. He wasn't lying. He was on business.

Life was so unfair, I thought as I breathed in his scent. An amazing one it was…

I stumbled out of the elevator at the lobby and threw Miroku a glare before walking out and turning down the street.

My life was crap, and I looked the part. But I had box shopping to do. When said like that, it made me sound rich because I was shopping for things I otherwise wouldn't shop for unless I had excess money to spend.

But I didn't.

I casually walked down a small alley and grabbed a box that I found sitting by the dumpster. It smelt oddly of old, rotting fruits and vegetables, but it would have to do for the time being. I didn't have much of a choice anymore.

Walking out of the alley, I discovered that the Tokyo streets had started buzzing with people again. Crinkly bags rang in my ear as a deafening sound while I stood on the side walk casually watching the huge screens in the Tokyo square. Some new American movies were playing at the Palace Theater. Wow. Crappy voice-overs weren't what I really needed right now.

Sighing as I crossed the huge cross walk, I decided to stay at the corner near our subway. People left bicycles there, and if I ever found the desire, I'd steal one and escape later. But I have no desire to do anything but make a boxy home as comfortable as possible.

I watched as busy people moved up and down the steep, yellow lined steps and placed my dingy brown box in a small hide-away. It would do for a while. Maybe that rich man would come by and spare me some old gum off of the bottom of his shiny shoes.

That's how it works, right?

I suddenly found myself analyzing everyone's shoes as they passed me, forming a contest of who had the best shoes in my head. I found the converse shoes the best looking shoes out of the first twelve people, and shortly gave up after a huge group of men passed by in high heels. Cross dressers from down the street. I really know how to pick em' huh?

Yeah, that was sarcasm. Just thought I should point that out.

But no, we have not yet reached the most important part of my story yet. So don't get concerned, my life isn't always this bad. Just now, I told myself over and over again. Maybe I'd get lucky later.

I sighed and flexed out my arms and fingers, glancing over the top of my middle finger once and catching the gleam of a plastic bottle filled with cold Pepsi. Lord, I was parched, so it wouldn't hurt to share germs just this once, would it?

I shrugged and crawled out of my spot, grabbing the bottle and flipping back inside of my box. I stared at it, trying to decide how to conserve it.

Twisting the cap, I quickly decided I wanted an immediate sip. But it was not the Pepsi that became the most fulfilling. It was what I found.

When I lifted the cap, I hardly noticed it, but something told me I should keep reading.

_You win!_

_$100, 000, 000, 000!_

I was disbelieving, but it couldn't have been fake. No, it felt and tasted so real! But who would ever drop this?

"Are you sure you dropped it here. Tomi?"

"For the hundredth time I am not Tomi, and yes I dropped my soda here!"

I watched the same two people from earlier and stifled my laughter. The little boy had dropped it, but it was mine now.

All mine.

And then a thought finally hit me.

I had just won $100, 000, 000, 000…

It was then that I fainted, my fingers clasped around the bottle with a death grip saving my life—literally.


	2. Cliched Life

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Everything in this chapter describing the buildings and Tokyo setting are all what I saw while visiting there at the New Sanno. So it IS real. And how is my story confusing? Just a question…

I couldn't help but feel as if I had fainted when I opened my eyes. But one look down at my hand confirmed that I had.

I certainly didn't look like the kind of person who had just won a lot of money. (I can't read the amount because I hate math.) I had soda spilled down my shirt because in the process of fainting, I had forgotten to close the bottle. I still had my clothes mismatched in that 'I'm a moron' look. But maybe I was meant to be rich from the start!

I looked up at the sky and smiled, closing my eyes in prayer. But at this opportune moment, a bird decided to fly by and excrete it's waste on my head.

Groaning, I opened my eyes and wiped it off of my head with my sleeve, watching as people walked by, grimacing at me. No one offered to help because I live in a box and I look like a hobo.

Being the moron that I was, I held out my bottle cap to show everyone and stuck my tongue out at those who grimaced. This seemed to change things as they began to simply look away.

"Thank you."

I looked up to see a man very similar to the one from the elevator.

"Thank you? For what?". I questioned, throwing him a look of confusion.

"For the bottle cap." He reached down and grabbed it from me. "It'll really help my already-rich family, don't you think?"

"No I don't!" I jumped up and reached for the bottle cap, ending up on my butt after he pushed me away.

"You smell horrible." He plugged his nose with his thumb and index finger to demonstrate his distaste in my new 'all-the-rage' bird crap fashion statement.

"Personally, I think it could be the new pink." I got back up and grabbed his hand with the bottle cap and stepped closer to him. "But unless you let me have this bottle cap… you'll have to smell me."

"That wouldn't bother me at all if only you'd get rid of the bird shit."

"Can't do that unless you let me have some money." I smiled at him and slowly pried his fingers from the cap and pulled it out, kissing him on the lips to distract him. "Thank you for your service, kind sir."

He simply stared at me as I dashed off, racing him off the road without truly needing to. Hopefully I'd never see him again, but now that I was rich, didn't that mean I'd have to work with some fellow wealthy-folk?

Not that it mattered. As soon as I had the bottle cap cashed in, I'd be rich without any flaw. He'd never be able to take all of my money from me then. Unless… life was by chance like a soap opera…

Not that my life was too far from that…

I looked down at my soda-stained shirt and then breathed in, smelling the stench of white do-do and decided that I most certainly was not in a soap opera.

"Move little girl."

I looked behind me and saw a disgruntled (My vocabulary changes sometimes) old man, clambering about behind me.

"Why can't you just walk around me?"

He stared at me with one huge eye, the other one small and shriveled up.

"Because the line to McDonalds is very long."

I glanced beside me and realized that the line was backed up all the way to me. Dreaded small fast food resturaunts. You'd think that a society so concerned with America's economy would at least make their replica fast food places bigger to match America's. Damn, it was like a scale model of the real thing.

"Are you going to move, or stand there all day?"

I sighed and started to walk. "I'm walking, I'm walking", I threw over my shoulder. Glancing at him, I realized that he had a hard time walking. "Do you need help?"

He looked at me. His face looked pained, and I couldn't for the life of me understand. I had never been strong in empathy, but perhaps I could show its sister—sympathy.

"Help… would be nice… I live near the new Sanno Hotel."

I smiled and locked my arm around his, taking his cane from him.

"Then perhaps on the way, we should skip and hum while imagining unicorns and a rainbow?"

"I'd just like for you to help me home." He glared at me and stole the cane back, hobbling away from my side and walking forward. I easily matched my pace to his and looked around.

"Isn't it a long walk?"

"It's just around the corner, wench."

I blinked and grabbed his hand, dragging him behind me.

"Let's speed it up! I see the gym, which means we can't be too far from the New Sanno."

He sighed and let me drag him the rest of the way down the street, past innocent school children. And as always, I got a kick out of the stupid spray-painted message on the over-pass walkway near the hotel. It said: 'Stay away from OUR women!' It was supposed to be a frightening message from the Japanese teenage men to the American men. I just found it funny. But I'm a rare Japanese woman.

"So you love at the New Sanno or near?"

"I live across from it near the embassy."

Nodding, I continued to drag the old man down the street. People were all over the place, even a girl observing herself in a store window.

The new Sanno was a huge military hotel. You needed a military ID to get in and after you got inside, everything was elegant and nice. I was only in there once on a stupid second grade field trip, but I did get to learn what all of these tourist hotels look like.

"Are you done holding onto my arm?"

I looked at the man and released my grip, smiling sheepishly.

"My bad. So you live in that…" I stopped talking to gawk at the mansion this man lived in. He was just like me. Rich.

"Yes I do, and thanks for the help. Good bye young lady."

He bowed and walked across the street gracefully, as if he had been pretending to be un able to walk.

"Hey wait a minute, you old geezer! You were ACTING?"

I watched his body shake with laughter as he gracefully slipped inside his huge front doors. I was played by a player. That's not cool!

I glanced down at my out fit and sighed. It would figure that I'd get tricked. I was the moron of the year. Looking the part and everything… fascinating…

I turned and hobbled down the street. I wasn't sure where exactly I could turn in the bottle cap at, but I figured it would do me well to start at the nearest 7 Eleven. Luckily, this part of Tokyo was less crowded than mainstream Tokyo, and finding the 7 Eleven took close to no time at all.

"Konnichiwa!" the greeting never ceased to startle me whenever I walked into an American-based facility here in Japan. They decided that a formal greeting would be a great way to show friendliness, but it sometimes just scared the hell out of the customer.

"Konnichiwa", I mumbled in response as I walked towards them. "I have something… to cash in…"

The lady smiled at me.

"And what might it be?"

I produced the bottle cap from my pocket and laid it out in front of both of us.

"That."

She picked it up and stared at it for a moment.

"Counterfeit?" She glanced at me.

"No… I don't believe it is… I found it on a bottle, I swear…"

She nodded. "I suppose someone does have to win, huh?"

I nodded. "So where is the money…?"

"I'll call the manager, and you need to check out a list of all the conditions we refuse to print on the bottle."

"There are always strings attached?"

"That seems to be the case." She bent down and furrowed through a cupboard, straightening back up and handing me a yellow packet. "Read it over and I'll call you back up here once the manager arrives."

I sighed and walked to the bench by the front door, reading everything else I had suddenly inherited. It wasn't any money that I had to pay or anything, but it came with many other prizes I had no desire for.

A year supply of Viagra, for instance.

What would I do with that when I don't indulge myself in those activities?

"miss, she's back."

I looked up and stepped over towards the girl from before and a new lady of many years. She seemed to be decaying as we spoke, but I'd been working with people from prehistoric times for a month. She was nothing compared to that.

"The winner of our contest, eh? Nice to meet you, lucky… dog…" She was staring at my entourage, which I did nothing to correct even under her antagonizing gaze.

"Yes. But if you think I'm the dog, you haven't met my cousin yet…"

"And I don't wish to. Here, I'll unlock the vault with the money and give it to you along with the cards for everything else you've earned and a key to your new house."

"You've bought a house for me?"

"It was a part of the competition." She rolled her eyes at me.

"Oh… Okay then, that satisfies me." As long as it's far from her and her attitude, I suppose.

I watched as she wobbled her blubbery path behind the door into the back storage room. She was big—That was certain. Her fat hung over in jelly-rolls simply adding to her ancient look. I sometimes wondered if people like her knew they looked that way. I mean, I have nothing against her weight or age, but it's ridiculous to be so obviously disproportioned and still form your attire with too-tight white T-shirts and jeans of faded white and blue that end at your knees rather than at your feet, where they should be.

Adjusting my thoughts from what seemed outright disgusting, I watched her wobble back into my immediate view.

"Take it, be grateful, yadda yadda. I have nothing important to say to you other than be wise."

I nodded and bowed, tired of her crinkly face that even smelt like paper.

_Burnt _paper.

I turned on my heel and left silently, not sparing the pair another glance. I was tired of my life and ready to get moved in to a nice house.

Pulling out the card, I was barely able to keep myself stable, tripping over sewer covers and the feet of teenage girls just getting out from school. It was lunch break, and I was starving. But I had no time for that. Not right now, anyway.

New Sanno. For some reason I felt slight deja vougue while walking down the brick streets, silently noting that it was raining on the other half of the street, but not mine. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. And lady luck seemed to have switched under dogs.

Silently I marched on down the street looking for my new home stead where I could only hope I'd find everlasting solace. At least then I wouldn't have to live a moronic existence in public. I'd have my own personal caretakers before I was 70 and in a nursing home.

"Excuse me." I blinked at the dark, sullen voice and turned to face a pale girl with stunning blue-ish silver locks and dull eyes.

"Ah… is this _The Exorcist _or something? You're starring daggers into my back…" My voice was crackly and hardly that convincing tone of 'I'm-bigger-than-you' malice that had played through my head.

"You do not remember me?" She blinked and stared at me with those never-faltering eyes that were almost holes. In turn, I shook my head quickly. "I am Khanna… how could you forget me when you used to date my older brother?"

Now I understood why those dull rabbit holes had seemed so familiar. And I was relieved to know that I wasn't Peter Rabbit in a past life, having a vivid memory of something dreadful.

Where the hell did that comment come from?

"Oh, hello Khanna. I should have known it was you… where's that bastard of a brother that you have?"

"He's in the express store getting something he claimed was important for his date tonight."

I clicked my tongue in disgust, wondering how a man could subject such a small child to perverted antics.

"He still wears an extra small, right?" I watched as she raised a microscopic thin eyebrow barely half of a centimeter.

"Extra small what?"

"No, dear, never mind that. You really don't need to know." I waved my hand to add dramatic effect, hoping that he'd walk out and save me from explanations. But of course, she was smart and dropped the subject.

"Can I ask you something… totally personal and girl-to-girl? It's just that... with brother having a different girl every month, I never get to bond… and I liked you the most…"

I smiled to encourage her, not sure where my moronic self had gone.

"How do you decide who is good enough to be your boyfriend?"

My weakest spot, seeing as her brother was my last boyfriend, and my first. I was bad at picking the guys out.

"Well… just see… if they're anything like what your dream guy is… Test it, ya know?" I watched her turn her head slightly as her eyes seemed to glaze over a little at the sight of an emo kid, bobbing his head to really loud music in his Ipod. "Test it, Khanna."

Perhaps I really should have just asked her what she was looking for, because it turns out that what I said hit her a little too literally.

I watched as she marched up to the boy, pulling his ear phones off of his head and pushing him against the brick wall of a near by sushi restaurant.

"K-Khanna!"

She bent her head low to his neck and bit him. I could see and smell the blood as she broke his skin and then pulled back, staring into the eyes of a frightened young boy.

"What was that for, you witch?"

"I wanted to know if you were a vampire… I suppose you are not…" With that said, she turned away from him and pushed her way back to me. I watched as he flicked her off and ran up ahead, probably to report a rabid carrying female.

"You want a vampire?" I was dumbfounded inside and out.

"Well… yes. I've always read those vampire romance stories, and they just seem… so…" She sighed dramatically, as if she was love-sick. I never imagined she could ever feel that way. I mean, she barely even seemed human.

"Right… well… I smell your brothers stench so I'd imagine he's-", a hand was quickly clamped over my mouth as the mentioned man lowered his head to my ear and whispered softly.

"Naraku is here, and I don't wish to hear you bashing me."

I bit his hand and turned to look at him.

"Mr. Stench is here, so I'm leaving now, Khanna. Don't bite anymore boys, okay?" She nodded and waved to me as I stumbled on ahead to my new house.

I still sensed deja vougue, but that was becoming normal by now. Part of me felt as if it had been here only moments before…

That old geezer! HE lived here!

Shaking, I ran all the way down the road and stopped outside the front gate of his mansion. It was then that I realized it was not only his front gate, but the front gate of three huge mansions, connected by one single brick bridge! One of those mansions happened to be mine!

Even though I was oddly distracted by the subject that lived here near me, I couldn't help but notice the Victorian beauty. The windows were curved and curtained with deep red silk, while the stone-carved structure itself bore no flaws. Up above the main body was a gutter of the sorts near the attic, which housed many stone monuments of dragons and gargoyles. It was like a castle in the modern era-and I was in love! Who scared if a stinky, rotting old man lived next door! I'd never give this huge thing up!

I stared at a small card I had been handed and read the labels and numbers. It contained a code for the gate, which I typed in excitedly. I was finally going to live the American dream—only not in America!

Enthralled by the lush gardens and bright green grass, I stumbled my way down the winding sidewalk to my front entrance. A pure gold lion-molded knocker awaited my hand as slowly I banged it against the oak surface.

"Ah", spoke an old woman as she opened the door. "We have been waiting for your arrival." I smiled at her and stepped inside.

"Its so beautiful!" I stared at all of the embroidered furniture and sighed in ecstasy. It was the place I wanted back when I was younger.

"Yes… Well, your two neighbors have invited you over for dinner later if you are feeling up to it. That is all I have to tell you. Now follow me to your room and bathroom. You must get prepared."

I rushed to her and followed as she led me up a flight of stairs and twisted the knob of a bigger room.

"Thank you miss…?"

"Kaede. I will be here if you need me. Your bathroom is near the window and your wardrobe is… well, in the wardrobe. And please do not come back downstairs for that dinner this evening in that get-up. You look like a cat dragged you in."

I frowned.

"Aren't you supposed to hold your tongue?"

"You're rich, not royalty. But don't get me wrong, I don't dislike you. I just don't think it would be right if you graced the prince and the business major in garbs of the sort you have on now."

I nodded and prayed that the prince was nothing like that old geezer from before. Watching as she retreated, I slowly made my way to the wardrobe. It would be fun, yes?

Well I sure hope so.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I descended the stairs in a white kimono. I didn't feel like messing around with anything else when I had this simple outfit to get me by. Kaede led me down the hall way and opened the door to a part of the connecting bridge.

"You will be eating at the Tashiou's place tonight along with the prince. It's much more convenient that way."

I nodded and continued to tip toe behind her.

And as planned, I didn't make a grand entrance. No one even lifted their head upon my arrival. So I simply took a seat near the old man from before.

"Oh… well hello young lady that helped me walk home safely today." Now everyone looked up at me.

Two men I had seen somewhere before… both with gold eyes and silver hair… and then a man I didn't recognize with brown hair pulled into a pony tail and eyes much like Khanna's.

"Hello, old hag.", I managed to mumble, sending him a clenched grin. I wasn't happy to be seeing him again.

"You let the herpes lady help you home?"

I stared in disbelief at the taller man with silver hair. He was from the elevator! And the other man was from the wide walk!

I turned my head to the darker man, but nothing seemed to register in my mind. A blind spot in my memory?

"My name is Kagome", I mumbled again.

"And I am Sesshoumaru, but still I shall refer to you as Herpes girl. It is what you have, correct?"

"It was a damn joke!"

This time the shorter one edged in his consensus.

"I wanna call her bird-shit girl."

I glared at him and stood up.

"Bastard!"

"My name is InuYasha, but bastard is my middle name, if that makes you happy." He gave me a cocky grin as I watched him nudge the other, darker, man in the ribs.

"I'm Kouga." Kouga turned his head towards InuYasha. "I call dibs…", he whispered a little too loud.

"No, I have dibs!"

Both boys stood up and walked around each other in circles, growling. It was like some stupid show on TV or something. I could see it now!

_On the next episode of InuYasha: Kouga seems dead-set on having Kagome, or killing InuYasha to get her all to himself. So until then, The Man Who Fell in Love With Kagome! C ya next time!_

It would be terrifying, but very possible.

Eventually, the two men threw themselves at each other clawing away at their faces, not caring that I was not the only woman here. To the side of the elder man was a young, beautiful lady with black hair that was cut short. I wanted to ask her her name but I was too shy at the moment in which I seemed to have caught attention.

The one time I didn't want it, I got it.

"Is there a possibility that I can leave and watch TV now?"

The older ones looked up at me.

"Why not?" I smiled and walked away, totally forgetting that I was actually supposed to eat with them.

Oh well. I'll keep it my dirty little secret.

Who has to know?

**A/N: Kind of boring and stuff. I was trying to actually make fun of some clichéd plots in a normal Sess/Kag story, though. Sorry if it just made MY story clichéd. Just thought it would add humor to a rather humorless chapter. I was depressed when I wrote this chapter. Sorry. **


	3. The Naked Truth

A/N: Arigatou! I really enjoy reading the reviews, seriously! I hope this chapter is much better, but inspiration is getting hard to come by… And I need at least ten reviews to actually update faster. That's the key. If you read, review. I know who's reading.

Knowing full well that I was now the only teenage female in this new jungle of different people, I insisted on still being who I had been in my stuffy apartment. Can't change me! I'm defiant!

Or was the word… indecisive?

I shrugged and moved on, propping myself up on my forearm and throwing myself-and the covers- onto the ground, off of my bed. I stood up slowly, exhausted, and plowed my way through the thick covers. Even if I was impossible to change, I could feel my mentality changing.

I've been using way too many big words lately. Time to slow down a little.

"Kaede, fold my water and pour me a cup of laundry!"

Dammit, Kagome that was _really _smooth! "I meant fold my-"

"Yes, I get it, ye can settle yer' ass down now."

I sighed and trudged forward, tripping at some point that I can't seem to remember, and then finally grabbing the small knob on my new dresser. I pulled with my one, wimpy arm and sighed in defeat. At this particular moment, I was in dire need of a strong muscular man.

_Although I now have at least two of those working at my every whim that could fill that position…_

Distracted. I was distracted. I had always been attracted to possessive guys, but the two that I had 'met' last night were too impulsive for me. But alas, in times like these, I really wished I had chosen one to have at least a ten minute 'one-night-stand' with. I'm totally vulnerable in the mornings, with my hair a mass of a nest not even rats would live in, and my footy pajamas disarrayed a lot like my moron-of-the-year outfit.

Dammit, Kagome too much vocabulary!

I raised my hands to my head and started to sob from the pain of a brain that was in fact working—Finally.

"Kaede, I'm functional! I can think!"

"That's great, and next ye'll be telling me how amazing it is that ye can finally aim at the toilet rather than the floor." I blinked as Kaede opened the pantry door, holding a basket of neatly folded clothes.

"I didn't wear those many clothes…"

"Ye got new ones."

I sighed and pointed at the dresser, my forgotten vendetta suddenly remembered. "Can't open it."

Kaede sighed and dropped the basket, not one single sleeve moving out of place, and she slipped on over to my side and pulled the dresser open.

"How did ye manage to survive in an apartment without a mother?"

"A lot of cheese crackers", I mumbled, picking up a shirt and a pair of denim shorts. "I'll see ya in a while."

I stood up straight and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door shut before dressing myself properly. At least in this situation, I looked decent. Granny-denim shorts with a white shirt that started with a collar around the neck. I was nerd material, and that was all that mattered!

So I opened the door and waved to Kaede while dashing down the stairs. Multi-tasking was my talent.

"Kagome, watch out for the--!"

I turned my head at the last minute and BAM!

"…stair railing…"

"Thanks for the late notice, Kaede!"

"I didn't suspect that you would be so stupid as to not realize that all stairs have railing to help you get down the steps safely."

"Yeah, well the fact that I fell proves that they have false advertising! I'm suing the company later." I pushed myself up and ran down the rest of the stairs, limping slightly during the descent.

"What are you doing this early?"

I stopped and turned my head to find myself face to face with the oldest male in the house. He was also the hottest, tallest, coolest, calmest, silverest, muscularest male in the house! And don't pull out your dictionaries. Two of those words weren't real.

"I felt like running into a stair post." I drooled as he raised his eyebrow at me delicately.

"So you've upgraded from hitting men to hitting stair posts?"

"It depends what you mean by 'hitting men'." I assumed he meant it in the dirty way.

"You know which way." Yup.

"Then I most certainly upgraded." I nodded and fluttered my eyelashes at him, twisting my hips and bumping into his side gently before walking away. I couldn't remember who I had seen doing that… but I vaguely remembered a second grader doing that to the trash man at school.

So I shivered and ran away from him quickly. It was on the verge of embarrassing to copy a second grader.

"Oy Kagome. Good morning!" I stopped and looked up from the ground to the plain eyes of Kouga.

"Hi Kouga…"

"Where are you going?"

"I just thought I'd go down the street to the strippers club. Lots of girls there."

"We have a stripper club?" I closed my eyes to think and then nodded, smiling. I had just remembered something.

"Why yes we do, Kouga. Wanna come with me?"

"Do I ever!" His eyes were glassy with excitement. All I could do was grin as I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the front door.

"Then get ready for a great time! Got any money?" He nodded and opened the door.

"Hurry!"

I walked outside… rather, I was speed walking down the sidewalk, Kouga gliding beside me. Ah… I'm back to normal now… I said gliding. You see, it was a real strip club a couple of blocks down. By the old subway where I lived in a box. And I knew Kouga would just have a scream if I took him there… So I grinned wickedly, dismissing it as a case of indigestion when he asked why I was grinning. He slowed down after that comment and stayed to my side rather than behind me.

"Here it is!" He looked up at the sign.

"Men's Paradise… Ahh the glory… Let's go Kagome!"

"As long as you don't pay to get me a lap dance." I snickered behind his back as he waved me off, and then I followed him in. This would be fun.

"Ello dears, what can I get you?" I looked at the female in front of us and smiled.

"We're just here for the show." She looked at me oddly and then nodded.

"Have fun. You can have the stools up front."

I smiled and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the stools.

"Front row." A dancer/stripper appeared in front of us by a pole.

"So what will it be?" She bent over and held out her hand to Kouga.

"I-I'd… I'd like just a regular… strip?" I shook my head and laughed into my hand. He had no clue what he was doing, nor did he read the fine print underneath the sign.

The girl smiled and stood up, hooking her leg around the pole.

"Aight' honey." She pushed herself around it once and then pulled off her top. Just as I expected…

She was _flat chested. _

Then she lifted her leg and smiled at Kouga, who had pulled himself up out of his chair slightly. Still excited. I could almost see a tail wagging behind him.

She sent another dazzling smile at him and pulled off her skirt. Just underwear and tights left and then… I smiled again and watched Kouga's face.

She bent down and brushed his cheek before pulling off her tights and underwear.

"OH MY GOD!" I looked at 'her' and burst out laughing. How could he have not known!

"What, Kouga?"

"It's… a guy?!" I laughed and handed he stripper more money, grabbing Kouga and then I walked out.

"Well, did you enjoy that?"

"You lied to me!" I shook my head and pointed to the sign.

"Read that carefully."

"Men's Paradise… A gay bar and strippers club… Ah, you deceiving bitch!" He grabbed me and dragged me all the way back to our mansion. "I hate you", was all he could say the entire time. I, on the other hand, could not stop smiling.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Welcome back Kouga… and… Kagome…" I looked at InuYasha as we entered the house. He seemed jealous, while Kouga was still fuming.

"InuYasha, you get dibs! For good! I hate her!" He threw me at InuYasha, who caught me and stared at him oddly.

"She… she lied to me! Now I'm embarrassed!" The doorbell rang and an angry Kouga opened the door. A man was standing outside with flowers.

"Hello, kind sir… My name is Hojo, and I was wondering… I saw you at the club… would you like… to maybe… go out sometime?"

"NOT WITH YOU!" Kouga slammed the door shut and glared at me. The doorbell rang again. He pulled it opened and yelled once again. "I'M NOT GAY!"

"I never said you were." He looked at the female in front of him.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Ayame. I wanted to sell you Girl Scout Cookies, but I guess you're… not ready for them. I'll come back when you're not a toddler. Little kids can choke on them." She sent him a small wink, as if she was talking about something else, and then walked away.

"Gosh.. I ruined another chance to get a mate because of KAGOME!" I smiled sheepishly and looked at InuYasha.

"I still got you, don't I?" InuYasha smiled and nodded, walking past Kouga and out the door, me in tow.

"Kagome, what happened?" I grinned again.

"I'll show you." I grabbed his hand and dragged him down to the club. "It's a strippers club. Wanna go?"

"It says gay bar. So no. I don't." He laughed for a second and looked at me. "You tricked Kouga into it, huh?"

"He didn't read the sign."

"He can't read." I laughed and walked down the street.

"I say we go to… oh, the Gym! Love the gym!" He gave me a weary look and shrugged.

"Okay…" He opened the door to the gym and pushed me inside, following me silently. His eyes were nervous… oddly so.

"Ah! Bench press!" I ran through the equipment, skipping the check in counter and started to put on heavy weights. InuYasha moved to sign in, still acting shaky. "I love this one!" I laid myself down on the cushioned bench and lifted the weights slowly. It was a little heavy, but I wouldn't let myself look weak in front of InuYasha, who was walking over, staring oddly.

"Wow, Kagome. You can lift 15 pounds on the bench press." It was a joke. But his voice faltered slightly, giving me a bad impression.

"Like you could do better! Try!" He glanced around him to find nobody near and then he pushed me out of the way gently, laying down where I had been previously.

"I'll show you, Kagome…" He lifted the weights…

And then dropped them over his chest.

"Agh! Help would be nice, _spotter._"

I blinked and stepped forward, lifting the weights and setting it back down on its rest.

"You did worse than me, little man. I bet Sesshoumaru could do better!"

"Oh, so you like Sesshy-chan, eh?"

I slapped his arm. "Hell no, I was just using banter to make you mad. It's fun when men get mad."

"Females are so cruel." I smiled and grabbed his hand, running outside.

"It's nice when it rains, huh?"

"It isn't raining…" He looked up, and then screamed.

"What?"

"I just got a damn rain drop in my eye!" he doubled back, rubbing his eye vigorously.

"I told you!" The rain started pouring. He glared at me and ran back into the gym, shivering and holing his arms to his chest. "Men… They're such girls when it comes to simple stuff…" I sighed and walked down the side walk a little ways.

"Need an umbrella?" I turned in response to the voice. It was that Hojo guy that had stopped at the mansion a few hours ago.

"Oh… nah, I'm fine… but uhm… weren't you… gay?" He laughed nervously and yanked out a chain that had been hiding in his shirt. It glittered in the remaining sunlight that was slowly fading behind the clouds.

It said 'Big Pimp' in gold.

"Ohhh… So you're not gay?"

"Not at all, miss. I'm bisexual."

"Oh. Well I'm Christian. So you might wanna back off. God created people like me to kill all homosexuals!" I inched forward, flexing my fingers, being weird while making cross signs.

And he backed away before taking off into a full sprint in the opposite direction. Not that I was telling the truth… but it did get rid of him.

So I smiled and skipped around, waiting for InuYasha to venture back towards me.

"Women shouldn't degrade themselves when they have porn to do it for them." I turned my head to the smooth voice to find who I had expected. Sesshoumaru.

"Oh. It's the Greek God, back from destroying the man your wife was cheating on you with just after finding out that your wife was actually your mom who was sold into prostitution by your grand dad for money."

He stared at me oddly, which is what I expected. Because I didn't remember any of that from any Greek myths.

"Nice… well Kagome, I was here to rescue you. InuYasha called, and Kaede forced me out here." He extended his hand, covering me with an umbrella and then walked away.

"Aren't you gonna escort me?"

"No. You have too hard of a time walking, even more so walking and drooling over me at the same time. That must be like the special Olympics for you." I glared at his back and threw the umbrella at his back… but it hit an older man instead. He turned instinctively to find me pointing at Sesshoumaru.

"Hey, tall man!" Sesshoumaru turned and looked at the hunched over elderly man.

"What?"

"You threw an umbrella at me!" Sesshoumaru glanced at me.

"Yes. Yes _I _did. Is there a problem?"

"You don't need to be throwing things in public." Sesshoumaru seemed irritated, but he wasn't blaming it on me…

That was surprising…

"I did it." I stepped forward, guilty.

"Oh. Bye then." The man walked away, leaving me baffled.

"Wha…?"

"Probably likes little girls."

"Ohhh… so he was the straight, older version, of Michael Jackson… I get it…" I waved after him. "I'm a huge fan of your old music!" The man glanced at me before limping away… rather quickly. "Oh… not a big talker, huh…"

Sesshoumaru flipped his hair over his shoulder, glancing at me before walking away. "Enjoy your loneliness."

"I have InuYasha!"

"No. He got in Kouga's car and left a few minutes ago. I think they're both mad at you." He turned back to me and walked up, close to me. "I think I should be a fan of your work. Both of them are morons, and you've made them both upset and embarrassed. But I don't exactly feel like admiring silly prostitutes."

"It was a joke…", I mumbled through my gritted teeth. Even if he was 'hot', he knew how to really piss me off.

"Ha. Right." He placed his singers on my forward gently… which caused me to blush and look up… Stupid red cheeks… "It doesn't matter… Either way, you're…" He stroked my cheek gently before moving his index finger and thumb back up to my forehead…

And flicked me as hard as he could. "Still just a poor girl who moved in."

I groaned in pain and kicked him where the sun doesn't shine… but I didn't feel anything…

"Ew, you're a girl?!" He grabbed my hair and pulled me behind a wall.

"Shut up! I am not a girl. I'm simply using a protective spell…"

"It makes your balls disappear?" He shook his head at me, stepping away.

"It just makes it impossible for you to kick me and hurt me." He turned away from me and started walking down the street. I, however, remained against the wall.

The rain resounded in my ears several times before I finally realized that the nice thing to do would be to run after him and give him the support of his umbrella… So I ran, hoping to do some good for someone for once.

"Sesshoumaru?" He was no where in sight.

Well _duh _Kagome. He left a few minutes ago.

I hit my head and looked all over, trying hard to find him and getting soaked in the process. My white shirt was see-through against my skin and men were staring. But I had no time to fix the problem.

"So you normally where shirts like that?" I turned and glared.

"You were here the whole time?"

"No. I just thought it would be nice to comment since I was walking to find you. Stupid men still like you, but not enough to come get you themselves." He stepped towards me, grabbing the umbrella and holding it out in front of him. "Why weren't you using it?"

I blushed slightly.

"I wanted to hit you in the head with it, but I couldn't find you."

"I suppose that's your way of saying that you were going to give this to me so that I could use it?"

I nodded. He could see right through me.

"You beat around the bush a lot, Kagome. Do you not feel comfortable with anyone?"

I shook my head and grabbed the umbrella from him.

"Let's go." I opened the umbrella…

Which hit me in the face in return for everything I had done for it.

"Kagome, you must stop being retarded. If umbrellas continue to beat you up, we may have to report them for abusive behavior."

I gasped and threw my hand into his pocket…. And I felt that he most defiantly was not a girl…

"Ugh… Kagome, please… let go of that…" I stared at the pocket in disbelief and then moved my hand over slightly, finally grabbing the cell phone I was going for.

"I didn't mean to grab that…" I quickly dialed 911, noticing that he was staring at me with curiosity.

"Hello. My name Is Kagome Higurashi. I'm on the corner of… some random Japanese street. I need your assistance… it's by the gym, strippers bar, and the New Sanno hotel… Ah well… an umbrella just beat me up. Uhhh… Hello? Hello…?"

I snapped his phone shut and handed it to him. "They hung up on me."

"I don't blame them." I glared at him and started to stomp my way down the street, ignoring the rain that fell persistently.

Until it stopped falling on my head, but continued on the ground. "What…?" I looked up to see Shesshoumaru staring straight ahead, holding the umbrella above my head, but not his own.

I lifted my hand and placed it on his, slowly lifting the umbrella higher to cover him, which caused my side to get wet. But he was protected from the rain now. Just like me.

"I'm sorry I trouble you, Sesshy-chan."

"Who is Sesshy-chan?"

"Sesshoumaru-sama. Sorry. Slipped." I smiled in a silly way, causing him to close his eyes in order to not give into me.

"It's… okay…." He moved the umbrella so that it only covered him and started to walk past me.

"Hey, what's that for!"

"If you need a place to stay, you should try the strippers club! You're naked even with your clothes on!" I watched as he left, placing my hand over my heart.

I was soaking wet… I looked down…

And everyone could see what was meant to be hidden by my outfit…

So I shrugged and took it off.

"I'm STREAKING!!!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Well that's all. It wasn't as… sarcastic, but hey… I tried. The next chapter should be better… And I feel like this chapter is clichéd… just like the last… and the next one probably will be too…

**Now R&R! (Or no update).**


	4. Jumbo Sized Situations

Sorry for the delay, even though I promised a fast chapter. You see, I wrote the chapter, but then I was late for class… So I shut my computer down and when I got home, I found out that it deleted EVERYTHING on my computer and the account would delete my stuff every time I turned it off. So Eventually, I created a new computer account, so now I can write again. I'm sorry! But ten reviews and a faster chapter-I promise! But after Christmas! I'm going on vacation.

* * *

Streaking may sound like tons of fun… Fun galore… Mania of fun… Gallons of fun… Buckets O' Joy…

But no. It makes you sick when accomplished in the rain.

So I currently find myself in bed, coughing and sneezing. The men of the jungle, or 'Tarzan wannabes', continuously ask me if there's anything they can do for me. So, being who I am… I take it as the perfect opportunity to sabotage someone's reputation. Anyone can be my victim…

* * *

"Good afternoon Sesshoumaru!" I smiled at him, an innocent picture that can seduce any man.

"Good afternoon…" his response was cautious as he sat in a chair beside my bed. He wasn't getting any friendlier, even though he often visited me. He was in charge of making sure I was getting better. Kaede had forced him to do it.

"I have a request… It'll make me happier… and Kaede might keep you from having to work hard if you do it…" He sighed and leaned forward.

"What is it?"

"Take my money and buy me some tampons. Jumbo sized for my heavy flow." He grimaced in response.

"And what is my reward?"

"No more visiting me. It'll make me happy, too. That is life long satisfaction!" I smiled again, and pulled out a purse along with some 'money'. He'd notice if he wasn't so flustered.

"Fine. But it's gonna be quick." He grabbed my purse and ran out of the room. A few minutes later, I heard the door slam.

Fantastic. Now it's my turn…

* * *

A short, stubby man stepped into the convenience store at the same time as me. He was wearing baggy blue jeans with a pull over jacket. Oh yeah…

It was me.

So, I was spying on Sesshoumaru to see how well my prank would work. I wasn't quite sure he'd be stupid enough to fall for it. But turns out men don't wear tampons for one reason.

They don't know how to buy them.

I examined his every move, including the time when his eyes widened ever so slightly at the different sizes. I watched his lips twitch as he mouthed the words 'Super Jumbo'. Twas' hilarious for me.

Finally, his shaking hand grabbed the Jumbo Tampons and his feet hurried him to the check out counter. Nobody had noticed him. The cashier seemed to think it was normal, which made me wonder…

But anyway, Sesshoumaru reached for my purse as I expected and pulled out the money. He threw it on the counter and turned away, blushing.

"Sir… This is nice… But you're trying to pay in Monopoly money…"

"That is NOT Monopoly money!" He refused to look at her.

"Why would a man buy Jumbo tampons with Monopoly money?" Her voice was loud, causing everyone in the store to turn towards him. I watched a mother cover her baby boys ears as he questioned what a Tampon was. As she walked on to the eggs, I slipped him a piece of paper I had brought just in case.

It was instructions on how to properly use a tampon. I watched in amusement as he unrolled it and read it carefully.

"Mom, what's a vag-."

"Don't speak!" Her face flustered as she looked over at a young man and whispered words to him.

"He's gonna know he has a penis, some day!" I said the words loudly, but held my head down so that no one would notice me. And they didn't. Thank goodness. The mom searched for the person who said the words, but she never assumed it was me. I had said it in a girly voice, which didn't match my fat janitor look.

"This is not monopoly money!" I turned my attention back to Sesshoumaru. He finally decided to turn and look. "Oh… I suppose it is…" He picked up the money.

Now his best bet was to shoplift the tampons. So I walked up behind him and threw money on the table.

"I'll pay for this young man." My voice was crinkly and low… Which was perfect for this prank.

"Sir, do you know him?" I nodded and wrapped my arm around Sesshoumaru's shoulders.

"He's my fiancé." Sesshoumaru quickly pushed me away as the woman stared at us both.

"I would never marry you! Besides, I'm interested in someone else!"

"How is this possible? You've been living with me for so long, young man…" I couldn't say his name without revealing myself, but he couldn't dispose of me without telling everything.

"I'm not gay." His teeth were gritted as he watched me.

"I know. You're bisexual. Don't you remember?"

"I am NOT!" Sesshoumaru was losing his cool, which was very rare. I thought it was cute… But that doesn't matter. I don't have feelings for him. "Besides, I live in a house with the lady I'm interested in."

"Is that why you're buying tampons?" He turned away from me and handed the lady the money I had left on the counter. I sighed and started for the door.

"Yeah. It is…" I blushed underneath my fake beard and pushed the door open, slamming it behind me and running down the street.

I never expected him to have feelings for me… But then he didn't say that… Maybe he's a pimp or a molester…

Sesshoumaru isn't like that…

But isn't it too soon for him to admit feelings for me? I don't even like him as a friend! I just like pranking him…

I pulled off the disguise, which caused a few by standers to stare at me. I went from fat man to beautiful woman. Fascinating things are seen on Tokyo streets.

I sat down in an alley way and curled up while the rain drizzled on me Whenever your emotions are conflicted, the rain falls. But what am I supposed to do? A guy that I prank likes me… And I don't feel the same for him. And now I'm out here getting myself sick again…

"What's wrong?" I shot upright and turned to my left. Someone had been in here and I never noticed… A hobo?

"Nothing… I'm sorry… I'll go…"

"It's better if you don't." Lighting crackled in the sky, causing me to jump and run into him. He put his arms around me and held me against the wall. "It'll go away soon." I felt his hand rub my back. Even though I had a back thought of him raping me, I figured he wouldn't. So even though I did not know who the person was, I felt safe. He was keeping me from the lightning. That was all that mattered.

"Who are you?"

"Simply a young man living on his own in an alley way. My name… is Naraku."

"Naraku the hobo… Has a nice ring to it." I heard his chest rumble as he growled lightly.

"I'm not a hobo! We prefer 'lazy Americans'."

"Well you can call me an Appalachian American-Wait… We're not in America…" I looked up at a face I couldn't see curiously.

"I'm part American. My Japanese isn't all that great."

"Oh. I see…" No kidding.

His arms held on to me tighter as I stayed there, waiting out the storm.

"Kagome?!" I turned to my right. They were looking for me. Slowly, Sesshoumaru's silver hair entered my view as he stepped into the alley.

"Excuse me, sir, but what are doing holding my 'fiancé'?" He had figured my prank out…

"I'm sorry. I was simply keeping this beauty safe from the lightning. I didn't know she had… attachments."

I pushed away from him and noticed for the first time that this hobo was naked… Which caused me to scream and jump behind Sesshoumaru.

"Naked men scare me…" Sesshoumaru sighed and threw me over his shoulder.

"Thanks for watching her. Bye." He waved and turned as I stared at his back. So this is the man with feelings for me…

"Don't take anything I said earlier seriously." I looked at him.

"What do you mean?"

He turned his head behind him slightly. "I figured you'd prank me so I made up a good lie. I don't like you." I believed him for now, but his words did sound suspicious. I wasn't disappointed. But it was odd how soon he brought it up.

I sighed softly and rested my head against his back. I might as well enjoy the moment of silence, seeing as I hardly have it in the house.

"Only an idiot would stay out in the rain where no one could see her except for a man who lives in an alley. You could have gotten hurt, Kagome."

"I could have, but I didn't. That's all that matters. No one would harm this beautiful skin." I rubbed my arm slowly, causing him to cringe very slightly.

"You're gross."

"Thanks!" Being called names made me happy.

I looked all around trying to think of pranks to pull on people, but it was getting hard. Part of my attention was on Sesshoumaru's ass which so conveniently stayed below me as my torso swung haphazardly over his shoulder. Ah, I finally thought of something.

I looked behind him and saw a woman nearby. It looked like she was waiting on someone. So I motioned for her to come to me so that I could tell her something. I also had to slow Sesshoumaru down by making myself heavier. At first, she gave me a weird look, but after getting tired of my faces, she came over.

"Hey?" As soon as she spoke, I slapped his butt and then quickly closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. He turned around quickly and glared at her.

"What was that for? You shouldn't hit people there if you're not dating them." Just as he said that, a man walked out of the store nearby holding ice cream.

"Honey, I got you one." Sesshoumaru grimaced at her.

"How disgusting. You can't have affairs in public." She looked at me, as I sent her a smile, and then she growled.

"Come on honey, let's go!" But he didn't move an inch. "I said, let's go!"

"You were… cheating on me?" She sighed and tugged his arm.

"No, that witch on his shoulder tricked me!" I felt Sesshoumaru's grip on my legs tighten when she called me a witch, but he didn't move. The man, however, was distraught.

"Honey… What about my feelings? Why doesn't anyone ever listen to my emotions? Why is it always Marsha? Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" He stomped his foot and then turned the ice cream upside down and threw it against her shirt. She whelped and stared at him as he ran away flinging his arms all over the place.

"I hope you're happy, bitch!"

I smiled at her. "I am."

She glared and then ran after him the exact same way he had left. I looked up to see Sesshoumaru glaring at me.

"That was stupid." I smiled at him.

"Indeed it was. But you know you liked getting slapped."

He snorted softly and frowned at me as he continued walking down to the mansion.

"I hope you get sick…", He whispered.

"I hope you do, too", I whispered back into his ear. He didn't mean for me to hear, but I had every intention of letting him hear. He simply growled and then walked up to the front gate.

I hopped away from him and threw my shoe over the fence. "One foot in…" I took off my other shoe and threw it over. "And now both feet are inside. Come on! Us hobos gotta get inside somehow." I climbed up on the fence. This was the most confusing thing I had ever done. Even I didn't understand myself. But on I went, climbing the fence until it was time to fall down.

Which I did.

The thump was super loud, but what was even worse was what it did to my ankle. Soon, the fence opened up and Sesshoumaru walked forward. He kicked my slightly.

"That's what you get for being a hobo." I glared at him and picked up my shoes, hopping to the door.

"Whatever!" I hopped until I was against the door… Which decided to slam open as soon as I got there.

All I could hear was a 'Slam!' and then a 'Bam! Crack!' before I fell unconscious.

* * *

My eyes opened up slowly. Everything around me was blurry due to lack of using my eyes. 

"Good morning sunshine!" I turned my head slightly towards the voice.

"Martha Stuart? Did you bring eggs and bacon?" The shape bent over and touched my forehead.

"Oh dear, you seem to have quite the fever…" I stared until my eyes became normal.

"InuYasha? Since when do you speak like that?"

"Like what?" Now his voice was gruff again.

"Oh… I must have been delirious…"

He nodded and pointed at the TV. "You might have heard this." I looked to see Martha Stuart on the TV. I had somehow associated her voice with the person actually speaking to me.

"Ha…ha… sorry." He shrugged and stood up.

"I'm hungry. See ya in a bit."

I sighed and watched him leave. He didn't even offer me something. These Tarzan's were worse than the real one…

I tilted my head to the side and thought for a few minutes. What would Sesshoumaru had done?

"What would Jesus do?" I looked up and saw a commercial on TV. It was about Religion…

"Nice timing, you stupid TV. Making me paranoid… If my cell phone was here, I'd report you, too!" I sighed and closed my eyes. It's hard to get a decent living in a place like this. Before I realized it, I was falling asleep.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"What would Jesus do?" I jumped at the whispered words and then glared at the person who uttered them.

"Damn you, Sesshoumaru! How'd you know to say that?"

"I heard you talking to the television."

I sighed and glared at the TV. "Figures", I muttered.

He gazed at me as if he was looking at some strange… I don't know… Can of bologna.

"Can I help you?"

He shook his head.

"Then stop looking at me." He looked away and I sighed. "This is boring…" I had lost all thought when I was knocked unconscious, and now everything seemed so confusing. The room was spinning, too.

I turned my head to look at Sesshoumaru… But it wasn't Sesshoumaru I found.

"Sailor… Moon…? What are you doing here…?"

"I've come to defeat you! Because… I am Sailor Moon!" 'It' bent down and whispered to me. "Do I look fat in this suite? Luna said I've been eating too much." I shook my head.

"What are you dong here? I thought Sesshoumaru was there…"

"Nope! I am your protector, here to banish your evil cold! Well… actually… I am Sesshoumaru. But that's on the down low." I snorted and poked 'it's' stomach.

"You've gained weight, Sesshoumaru. Where are your abs? I used to think they looked sexy."

**Meanwhile… In the real world…**

Sesshoumaru was waiting for Kagome to get out of her own little world when she began mumbling.

"Sailor moon…?" He stared at her oddly for a moment. "Oh… So you're Sesshoumaru and Sailor moon…" He glared at her.

"Hey, what the hell are y-."

"I used to think you looked sexy." His eyes widened slightly.

"You thought I…"

"Haha yeah! You bet your ass looks good in dem' jeans!" Sesshoumaru jumped off the bed and ran downstairs.

"InuYasha! You go up there and watch Kagome. I'm done." A flustered Sesshoumaru went to his room where he sat for the next few hours, while InuYasha grinned and went up to visit Kagome.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Man, you've got nice legs. You shave often?" InuYasha looked down at his legs nervously.

"How does she know…? I mean… She's sleeping…"

"Haha, I bet! I've always known you were part female…" InuYasha stared at Kagome.

"That's hurtful! It might be true… but it's… it's because mama made me like that!" InuYasha stood up quickly and ran downstairs, crying. He slammed his bedroom door shut.

Kagome, on the other hand, was starting to wake up from her delusion…

**Back to Kagome's World…**

"Woah… That was the weirdest thing ever… And to think I believed it…" I sat up in the bed and looked around the room. Apparently I had scared Sesshoumaru off. I was dreaming that he turned into Sailor moon. It was really weird… But quite a funny sight…

I giggled and looked around. It was pure silence. I kind of missed having idiots swinging by on branches while thumping on their chests. It had put me in a good mood.

"Kagome…" I looked up at the door to find InuYasha. I wonder what this could be about…

"Yes, InuYasha?"

"I wanted to ask you…" he stepped into my room and sat on the bed. "How did you know about my fatal accident that left me half female and how I have to shave my legs so that don't look like a gorilla?"

I stared at him in disbelief. I remembered dreaming something like that about Sesshoumaru… But not InuYasha… But he was confirming it!

"I uhm… lucky guess?"

"You were teasing me, weren't you? You had NO CLUE! You thought it would be fun to tease me just because I'm different! Well guess what! I can look at porn just like any other man, and I play sports, too! Just because I shave my legs, doesn't mean I'm any weaker than a male!"

"Well duh. Females are stronger than males."

"Really?" He looked at me with hopeful eyes. So I smiled.

"Yes, really! We can pee sitting down OR standing up, and we have good aim. Also, we can get pregnant! That's pretty painful. We were designed to be stronger than men! It's just a God given gift. So don't be upset! You're super strong because you're a girl!"

He smiled and slapped my hand.

"Hell yes, I am!"

* * *

**Okay, so this chapter was loose and not very strong. That's because after it got deleted, I had to re write it. By that point, I was bored with it so I had no comedy to add it. So I'm sorry. I'll develop my writing skills over the holidays and come back strong with a great fifth chapter! This one was more for relationship than comedy, and the next one will be preparing the story for the ending, I think. I feel like stopping this story, so I have to find some closure somewhere. Ideas would be great! Read and Review! Thanks!**


	5. We're All A Little Drunk

**Once again, dear readers, I am sorry for the delay. As before, I typed the chapter, so excited about only needing two more pages to get my quota… and low and behold, a storm knocks our power out and away goes my typed up story. (The account I was on deletes everything you save on it if you shut down the computer.) So there I was, pissed off. So here is a rewrite with much more stuff. I am sorry. And I promise… This chapter will have REAL plot development! I think… My first draft did…  
**

* * *

I sighed as I looked out the window. Life was so uneventful. My mind was mushy without any sense of pranks. I had lost my 'spark'. 

_Sparkle_, I corrected. Spark was for men, sparkle was for women. I nodded in satisfaction and hopped out of my bed, finally tired of those sun rays that always shine on your face if you're in a movie. Maybe my life was some weird story that was being written by an unknown author somewhere out there…

I averted my eyes to the ceiling in response, daring this 'writer' to kill me off.

He or she probably will later.

I shuddered and walked to my bathroom silently, not paying any attention. I quietly put down the toilet seat, not even asking myself why it was up and then slowly removed my bottoms, sitting down to do what you normally do in the bathroom.

"GAK! It's a VAGINA!"

I screeched and fell off the toilet, my head ramming into the near by cabinet as my legs hit the tub. "What the Mary was THAT?" I scrambled to my feet, pulling up my pants and looking around.

"I'm in here." I turned my head to the tub. A red-faced Sesshoumaru was there, staring up at me. "You know… You actually have nice legs." I growled and bent over to look him straight in the eyes.

"What are you doing here?" He laughed and pulled me into the empty tub, causing my ankle to collide with the faucet. "Ow!"

"Kagome, I got drunk last night and your bathroom is the farthest away from everybody. I decided that the smart thing to do was to hide out in here until I got over it."

"But assuming you're still drunk, it'll take HOURS! I need to flippin PEE!"

He sighed and pushed himself up, causing me to plop against the bottom of the tub. "Hello? Do you like… Not notice my presence at all?" I got up slowly, injured from the war I didn't expect. "Sesshoumaru?"

"You smell weird. Maybe you SHOULD pee. It might lessen the tension and stuff." He leaned against the wall and stared at the mirror.

"Well, in order for me to pee, I kinda need you to stop checking yourself out in my mirror."

He shook his head and leaned in closer to the mirror, smoothing his hair back with the clammy palm of his hand. His long claws served as a false comb as he placed each peace of old-man colored hair into place. "Anything you do can be done in my presence."

I sighed. "As you wish." I removed my pants once again and attempted to pee. Surprisingly, I was not interrupted. His eyes hardly ever wandered, so I felt fine. Well, they did wander once or twice to the picture on the wall of a naked statue. It was male, by the way.

"Well, I'm done." I spoke these words as I pulled my pants back up and pushed him out of the way to wash my hands. (I did flush the toilet, so don't worry!) I turned around to look at him, placing my hands on my hips. "Why did you end up drunk?"

He looked at me hotly and moved some-what like Jack Sparrow would after a few gallons of rum. "Well, never ask why one gets drunk. Ask, rather, how they will get drunk next time."

I nodded. "And how might you get drunk next time?" He grinned at me.

"With you, milady. You see, I really like you. I jus' dunno how to say it, ya know what I mean, know what I mean? So… Maybe you can come an' get a drunk with me too. Am I right, or am I right? Right? Right?" He laughed deeply, causing me to stumble on my words. Ouch. I never stumble on my words!

"Heh, well being the… strong, lead female character that I am, I must say that… you can get drunk. I'll drive. And next time… Puke in someone else's bathroom."

"I didn't puke, Kaggers. I simply gagged." He grinned again and pulled me out of the bathroom with him. "How about we go sleep sleep, kay?" I laughed and pushed him down on my bed.

"A good time would be nice…" I bent lower to kiss him and backed away quickly. "But I'm too awake for that." I smiled and stood up, leaving the room without him. He probably wouldn't follow. I checked when he was pulling me. He can't walk straight just yet… Which gives me enough time to find a nice little prank to pull.

Hehe, I'm back!

I jumped up happily, accidentally tripping, causing myself to fall into InuYasha who must have been upstairs to search for Sesshoumaru.

"Kagome, you retard! Have you seen Sesshy?" I blinked and remembered Sesshoumaru's not-so-somber red face and sighed. I was a softie, really.

"No, I haven't. He never comes up here unless Kaede tells him to." He nodded and blinked before walking back downstairs. I remembered my conversation with him a few days ago and started to laugh. That was a good day… Wasn't it?

I remembered my hobo display and shook my head. That was not a good day.

"Hey, wait… Kagome!" InuYasha came running back up the steps. "I wanted to know if maybe… I don't know… you'd like to talk with me later tonight. I have some things to discuss with you." I smiled.

"Sure think Inu-Buddy!" I patted his head before prancing downstairs in my some-what gliding manner. Oh how I missed that word of description! It made me sound so smart in one of those not-smart ways!

I plopped myself down into a kitchen chair and looked around, feeling hungry only after smelling the pancakes that Kaede was making near by. My fingers tapped swiftly on the counter before my eye caught on to the site of a few business cards. They looked like InuYasha's father's cards. I moved my hand slyly to them and started to pull one near me.

"Ah, no, Kagome. Those are mine." I looked up to the much older face of InuYasha and Sesshoumaru's twin! Dun dun dun! It was the father! "I'm honored that you're interested, but I'd never assume you were a lesbian." I blinked in question.

"What do you mean?"

"I run a strippers joint." I turned my head back to the ceiling. Man this author must be a pervert. Always bringing up strippers.

Oh yeah… That was me. I laughed at myself before choking and turning to the dad.

"Well, I most certainly am not into the girls. But guys…" I was afraid of naked men, so I didn't want them either.

"Ha ha, well Kagome, it's also a marriage chapel. So it's not like I'm completely inappropriate. The misses would never let me work there with single women!"

I really choked this time, causing me to lean forward and start coughing on my own spit. How could he be so honest about such a degrading job! Finally relieving myself of the choking spell, I sat back up to see that everyone had disappeared.

"What? You can't just leave a woman when she's feeling sick!" I sighed and banged my head on the cabinet.

"Maybe I should have let you continue to come on to me. Seems you're good at choking on things without gagging." I looked up at Sesshoumaru.

"How gross, old man."

"I'm not old, just drunk." He walked a little closer and then threw a rubber duck at me. It quacked softly as it hit my head and bounced to the floor.

"Hello! Those are MY brain cells you're destroying! Destroy your own next time, seeing as you have none!"

"Excuse me, I'm the one who lives in a mansion because of my own work! You just got lucky in a box beside a subway!"

"No! I've always been rich!" Reliable narrator! I always speak the truth!

"No you have not, I did a background search!"

"What would incline you to do such a thing?"

"Because you intrigue me!"

I stepped back suddenly, falling into the cabinet. "E-Excuse me…?!"

"You heard me…" He stepped towards me and grabbed my hand, pulling me back up to my standing position. "You're interesting."

I blushed and stared up at him. Maybe he WAS a person underneath all of that non-humanness.

"C'mon, it's not like I confessed my love or anything."

"Would you like a kiss?" The question was so out of my character, but I really felt like now would be a great first kiss. A real one, anyway.

"It won't hurt, seeing as I'm drunk."

I leaned forward and kissed his lips gently, but slowly. When I started to pull my face away from his, I was quickly pulled back in when he licked my bottom lip with his tongue. He really was drunk.

I laughed inwardly. I could taste the beer, and man I was getting drunk, too. (Doesn't take much.) He wrapped his arms around me and entwined his pinky finger with my hair, pulling me closer to him.

"I don't… love you, Sesshoumaru."

"Don't care. I'm drunk." He kissed my lips over and over again, rubbing my back with his thumb gently. "Just stay here and mend me."

"I can't!" I tried to pull away, but quickly lost my desire to. His body was so hard… I moved my eyes downwards when he moved to take a momentary breath. No wonder…

He kissed me and moved me until my back was against the counter again, my arms behind me to support both of our weights. It was then that I remembered that I had a prank to pull… But no, I was too occupied.

I started to respond to his kisses and pressed against him in return. I opened my eyes and sighed against his lips.

"Look, you're drunk, and now I feel a little tipsy too. We should stop before anything happens."

He shrugged. "Whatever." He grinned at me slightly and left me in the kitchen staring kind of helplessly after him. What was he doing to me?

"Pancakes are ready!" I turned to Kaede.

"Thanks for taking away the moment, grandma." She smiled.

"Ye are too confused as is." She winked at me and handed me a hot plate that I took graciously.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I spooned the next bit of yogurt into my mouth as I sat with my legs pulled against my chest in front of a computer. I was silently reading the 'About Your Computer' section to figure out how to use Microsoft word. Who ever heard of typing on a computer? (Sarcasm, I swear!)

I sighed and finished the final paragraph and moved my legs to the ground before leaning into the screen to type.

"Yo… Ma…"

"Kagome!" I jumped and quickly moved the mouse to the corner, putting my work down to the bottom… Which caused me to squeal in delight. I was finally understanding the computer!

"Kagome!" InuYasha stumbled into the room, out of breath. "So sorry to bother you… But I had to escape!"

"From what?" I turned in my chair dramatically, kind of like Dr. Evil would and pretended to pet a cat. InuYasha raised a brow before pointing downwards.

"Erection!" I blinked and looked up at his face, avoiding the thing.

"How'd you get one? I thought that you… were…"

"Surgery! That's why I left late last night. Remember?" I thought he had followed Sesshoumaru, but after what happened in the kitchen with the drunk man, I hadn't thought of InuYasha.

"So… You wanted me to help you celebrate your first erection?" He shook his head and stepped over to the chair, putting his arms on both sides of the chair, leaning his head in towards mine.

"I was with Kouga when it happened!" I blinked in surprise.

"So you're actually…" I moved my hands, looking for the right words. "Uhm… Uh…"

"I'm not racist to gender."

I nodded. "That's the right way to word it!" He smiled.

"But I didn't expect that! I had no clue it…" He looked the other way instead of into my face and blushed.

"Kouga is the… lucky… man, huh? Well, good luck. I'm sure you can manage it! Just don't come to me after a wet dream."

He shivered and then looked over my shoulder. "What were you typing?"

"My latest prank for Sesshy-baka."

He blinked and stood up, walking to the computer and pulling the work up. "Haha, nice… But… What are you going to sale exactly?"

"Well, I don't know yet. I'll have to go discover the world."

"How about you go out and get some lunch." He pulled out his wallet and handed me some of his money. "It's on me. And in the mean time, I'll type up something for you and then it'll be more realistic?"

I smiled and nodded. "Thanks, girlfriend."

"No problem. And for the record…" He blushed slightly and helped me out of the chair, kissing my forehead gently. "I'd go straight for you."

I laughed and hit him in the chest gently before running down the stairs.

I doubt he really meant that.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

I decided to stop at the old apartment complex to rub my wealth into my cousins face. He'd regret being rude to me!

"Hi Miroku!" I got giddy at the sound of the bell chiming to show that I had entered the place. I looked at the counter to see him staring confusedly at me.

"Hey… Veggie girl…" I pranced over to him and smiled.

"How has my dearest cousin been?"

"I've been fine. But really… Why are you here? You don't live here anymore, and they won't let me get you a new room."

"Oh, I have a mansion now. But I just thought I'd visit you."

"A mansion? Can I come? I need a place to stay, ya know."

"Why?" I blinked and wondered if he had gotten in a fight with his room mate. They never got along any way, seeing as the roomy was a gay man who happened to have a son. Adoptive, mind you. Miroku loved kids and homosexuals, but not both at the same time. According to him it was too much bad karma in one room.

"Shippo kicked me out." I blinked.

"Isn't that the kid?"

"Exactly. His foster father will do anything for him. Besides, I was fed up with the bad auras. I kept thinking there was a demon there."

"Hello, Miroku. You have no spiritual powers. You just use them as an excuse to get jobs… and women."

"Speaking of women, Sango wants me. She totally wants me." He raised his eyebrows and smirked smugly.

I laughed in response and watched as a women with long bronze hair dashed down the steps near by from the pool.

"Miroku-CHAN! How are you today!" I blinked and looked at the tall, sturdy girl and wondered.

"Why, hello SANGO." She smiled and jumped over the desk, latching onto Miroku. It scared me. A lot.

"Who's she?"

"My cousin that desperately wants me." Sango blinked.

"She can have you." I stared at her oddly, wondering how she could love him so much and then not care if he cheated.

"Yes honey, you always say that about the mysterious women you see me with… I know already. You want me for who I am and not what you think I should be." He nodded as if he was proud of himself.

I was just disgusted.

"So how goes your love life, Kagome?" I shook my head.

"It's fine. I don't need a man. Or a ho." I gave Sango a look, which she responded to with a smile.

"I'm not a ho, cousin of Miroku. I'm just trying to be the girl he wants. It's not my real personality." She smiled again before averting her eyes to a man behind me who was making out with what looked like a guest. He obviously worked as a bell hop. "Robbie, I thought what we had was special! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" She jumped back over the counter and ran to him, arms flailing everywhere.

"Wow… What a hooker."

"Nah, you got it all wrong. She acts that way for me. She's kind of my…" He leaned in to whisper it to me. "Slave. She had to do what I want her to do so that I don't tell her parents what her brother got caught doing in the sauna."

I stared at him incredulously and sighed. "You may never change, Miroku…"

"You seem to be more mature, Kag. What happened to you in that mansion?"

"Oh…" I touched my lips without thinking and sighed against my fingers. "I finally hit puberty. Yeah. That's it. Now I care what you think about me. By the way, does this make my butt look big?" I turned around and slapped it. "No, of course not. You like me, right?"

I looked at him to find him drooling.

"Yup, you're still a mindless pervert. Not even noticing that I'm your COUSIN. Jeez."

"Sorry, I just like girls. I'm like Elvis, baby!" I laughed mentally but stared at him without emotion.

"What a drag queen…" He glared and then looked around.

"So what brings you outside of your mansion, anyway?"

"I got paid to go eat lunch." Okay, so it wasn't that great, but I wanted him JEALOUS!

"Take me out! And Sango!" I shrugged.

"Sure thing, kiddo. SANGO!" I looked over to see her crying as the man walked away quickly with the one girl from before. I decided to be mature and ran over to her. "Sango, Miroku and I will take you out to lunch if you'd like…" She looked at me, tears staining her face.

"Weally?" I laughed sympathetically and grabbed her hand, pulling her up.

"Yes. Now come on. I'll pay!"

She smiled and followed Miroku and I out the door.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"I thought you were going to buy us an expensive meal, Veggie girl! Jeez, why McDonalds?" I smiled and looked at Miroku who sat close to Sango in the back seat. She was slowly getting over her sobs, laughing softly at his complaints.

"I decided that maybe we should eat in the _car._" Miroku understood part of my evil plan. He didn't understand that InuYasha had only given me twenty dollars, meaning I couldn't afford a nice meal.

"Uhm, maybe we shouldn't have brought Sango with us…" She blinked and looked at him, hurt. "Well, not because of you, baby… Because of me…"

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"You're not dating!" I looked at them through my mirror as I pulled up to the ordering box. "Yes, I'd like… A cheeseburger happy meal… the girls toy… A big Mac, large sized… and… Sango what do you want?"

She smiled. "A milk shake and fries."

"And a milk shake with fries. Medium… yeah, okay."

I pulled out the money and sighed. So much for going to spend some extra cash on extra things. McDonalds was getting expensive, and I didn't like it at all.

"Thank you for your purchase." I nodded and took my meal after paying and drove off to the side, parking in a spot.

"Okay… Miroku's big Mac… Sango's milkshake and fries…" I handed them their orders and settled into my own seat, eating patiently. I knew that Miroku was going to lose it while watching us eat. You see, Miroku has an issue. Every time he eats, he drools. And he gets food all over himself. This makes all girls run from him.

I turned to see what was happening… to see that Sango was going through those exact symptoms.

"Uhhh…"

"I'm so sorry! I'll clean the car up! It's just… I… can't help it… It's my saliva gla…"

"No. I know… Miroku has it too." I grunted and turned back around, bored with my life. Why weren't any pranks working? I then remembered my prank waiting at home and hit the pedal, causing Sango's milkshake to go flying out of her hand, ramming my windshield, covering my view.

"Crap!" I rolled down my window and started to yell at the traffic. "Out of the way people, I've got to go somewhere! GET OUT OF THE WAY OR GET RAN OVER!" I could hear Sango whimpering behind my seat from fear. That didn't seem like her, but then again, the way I knew her, none of this was like her. "MOVE IT, GRANNY!" I heard a thump under my car, causing Sango to yell out "I'm SORRY GOD!" as I laughed. Hopefully it was just a frog…

Finally, I stopped at the apartments. "Out, free loaders! I got a prank to go pull!" They rushed out, running inside quickly, my cousin stopping only for a second to smile and wave. I hit the pedal and drove off to the mansion once again.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"InuYasha, where is it?" I stopped in the door way of InuYasha's room, breathing heavily.

"Here." He tossed me a small, card-like paper and smiled at me. "I can't wait to see his face in the morning."

"Morn…?" Oh well, it didn't matter what he meant. I had work to do. "Sesshoumaru!" I waited patiently for the drunkard to come. It was five minutes later when he finally did arrive. "Hey Sesshoumaru! I went out and found this great card! I thought maybe you'd like to maybe… check the place out." I leaned in and whispered to him. "It's a drinking bar." I handed him the card and smiled.

"Yo Mama inc.?" He looked at me suspiciously and smiled. "How about you come with me to?"

"Nah, that's not-"

"Oh? SO you're lying?"

"FINE! I'll go!" I spoke for my pride rather than by thinking, but I was in too deep now. So I wrapped my arm around his and walked back down to the door, InuYasha following.

"I'll check it out to." He leaned in to my ear and whispered to me while shoving his shoes on. "I asked my bar-tender friend if he could act for us." I grinned at him.

"Is that turning straight offer still open?"

"Nah, I changed my mind." I sighed and walked outside with Sesshoumaru, InuYasha lagging behind once again.

InuYasha opened the driver seat door and got in, putting the keys in the ignition. Sesshoumaru opened the back door and got in, looking at me as a signal to follow, which I complied with. I was just happy InuYasha knew what he was doing.

"Here we go!" I smiled at Sesshoumaru and hummed softly to myself. He simply stared blankly at the chair. I knew he felt some-what defeated seeing as we had managed to prove him wrong. But hey, even I was curious. Haha, not like that was new!

Dang, I really need to stop that 'taking a hit on myself' thing. It really sucks for my self esteem… Heh, not like I ever needed much of it. I'm always the bold one, I've noticed.

"We're at yo mama's!"

I looked up quickly and hit InuYasha in the head. "My mom don't want you!"

"You retard! That was such a lame punch line… I meant that we're at the bar."

I laughed nervously and got out of the car, Sesshoumaru following. He looked at me and mumbled softly.

"I just got over my hang over so don't go getting me drunk again…"

InuYasha led us inside, taking us to two stools in front of the bar tender. "I think these two would like… that one thing we spoke about." InuYasha winked at the bar tender who laughed and nodded, moving to the side to get our mysterious order.

"InuYasha, what are you up to?"

"Nothing. I just thought that maybe you and Sesshoumaru would like this particular alcohol. It's really good, but if I have any I'll get sick."

I blinked and nodded. "Sure…" The man turned to us and sat down two glasses. I couldn't tell what type of drink it was, but whatever. I was up for anything at all times! I thanked him and took a sip. I could feel something inside of me bubbling as I glanced at Sesshoumaru who had drank almost half of the glass already. I decided to follow suite, causing me to feel a little dizzy. "So, Sesshy…" My voice was slurred, but it really doesn't matter… "How was your day? Was it rockin' or was it rockin'?"

He looked me up and down before meeting my eyes. "I guess it could be even better…"

I jumped when InuYasha rose from his seat abruptly. "Now, before anything happens, I have to take you two somewhere…" I nodded and stood up, walking out the door, the other two following.

"You no get drunk, Inu?" He shook his head and sat behind the wheel. I went to the back with Sesshoumaru again. I was feeling full-on tipsy now! In fact, Sesshoumaru started looking good to me… He gave me a look and grinned, reaching his hand towards mine…

And then InuYasha hit the brakes. "We're here." He smiled at us and then got out in a hurry, opening our door and helping me out, leaving Sesshoumaru to fend for himself. I put my arm around his neck and walked with him inside the small little building.

"What are we doing, InuYasha?"

"Something very fun for me, maybe bad for you tomorrow morning." I looked at him and frowned.

"Date rape? Trust me, I know all about that, there was this one kid this one time…"

"No, not that. Now come on." He pulled open a curtain and led me inside. Sesshoumaru was behind us, humming softly to himself. He sounded good for a drunk guy, too.

"Here's my license. I'm ready to begin now. These two are my subjects." I watched as InuYasha handed a piece of paper to an afro-headed man at a front desk.

"Okay. Their names?"

"Kagome and Sesshoumaru. Last name isn't necessary. I don't know what they are and these two can't think straight from the nerves. They're runaways." The man nodded and handed InuYasha a bible.

I was confused AGAIN!

"Come Kagome. Sesshoumaru." He led us to a small room with two pews on each side. There was a lot of white décor surrounding us as we stepped to the front of the empty room. The air was smoky, which made me feel even more drunk. I kind of liked the atmosphere. "Now… Kagome…" I had totally blanked out, so I was willing to answer anything.

"Yeah?"

"Do you take Sesshoumaru…"

"Yes!" He didn't even have to finish. At this point, kisses with Sesshoumaru didn't seem too bad. I vaguely heard Sesshoumaru respond with a yes, and suddenly InuYasha was dragging me out of the building, Sesshoumaru laughing and clapping like a kid… How odd. (She blanks out when she gets drunk.)

Next thing that I was critically aware of was that I had ended up in the car once again, now ready to vomit. Sesshoumaru was rubbing my head in circles with his thumb. Today was so fast paced… I had no clue what to think of the whole thing, but I sat silently and continued responding to whatever came my way.

Two minutes later, Sesshoumaru had me in his arms which didn't seem right, but whatever. He swiftly balanced me on one hand as he unlocked a door and walked inside, shutting it just as soon. I felt myself fall through the sir for half of a second before hitting a surprisingly soft mattress. Whatever my surroundings were, I did not care.

"InuYasha told me to ask if you wanted handcuffs?"

I nodded my head, not really hearing what he had asked… And everything seemed nice from that point on.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"WHAT IN THE SEVEN- HOW DID THIS FLIPPIN HAPPEN?!"

I opened my eyes abruptly to the shrill male voice and fluttered them down to my body which felt oddly cold. I was naked! What had happened? I moved my eyes to the side to see a naked Sesshoumaru staring at me with wide eyes.

"How did this happen?" His eyes were also red, I noticed. I sat up in response.

"I'm not sure…" I looked down in between us at our hands…

Which were locked together by handcuffs.

"WHAT THE!!!"

* * *

_**Yes! Almost done with this story… I know this chapter moved fast, but it was way longer than usual. Over 4,000 words. That hasn't happened in a long time! Sorry for delay… Also…**_

**Thanks Heather from school for YoMama Inc.**

**Thanks xBrokenxAngelxWingsx for the rubber ducky and seriously necessary questions!**

**And finally, thanks to KawaiiBch13 for the drunk, date rape marriage thing!**

_**I appreciate it! And please, if this story is on your alert, REVIEW. I don't plan on updating if you guys with the story on ALERT don't review. I mean, seriously… You KNOW when something gets updated. Well, thanks for reading anyway! I appreciate all reviews and ideas! Bye!**_


	6. Marriage is for Idiots

I pulled and pulled my hand away from Sesshoumaru's because I just knew that if I wished hard enough and thought about what I wanted most, I would be able to break through the metal.

Kind of like that one chick in that movie with the red sparkly shoes and the cute dog that has a band named after it.

"Kagome, if you keep pulling like that you'll break your wrist." I looked up to Sesshoumaru who had calmed down finally.

"Fine. I say we get dressed and go find InuYasha. I sense he is the mastermind behind all of this." I climbed to the edge of the bed and fell down, my arm up in the air, still attached to the bloody handcuffs. "Let me get dressed!"

"You can't, dummy. We're kind of connected here." He shook his hand for emphasis and moved to my end of the bed. "We'll just have to wrap towels around us or something."

"Or… We could just go naked!"

I pulled him as hard as I could and dragged him out the door, ignoring his swearing and his protests as I ran down the hotel hall way yelling out InuYasha's name.

"INUYASHA! Get your old ass out here NOW!" A family stared at us in horror, covering the eyes of their young children while their teenaged son looked at us-I mean, Sesshoumaru- with interest.

"Kagome you are embarrassing!" He yanked at my hand and slowed me down. Lucky for both of us, I guess, InuYasha appeared from a door looking at us with laughter in his eyes.

"Hello newlyweds!" We both looked to him and glared. "It's a joke, gosh. You two don't have to be so upset. The marriage was not binding because you had no real preacher and you both passed out last night before you could even touch each other. I did this fine handiwork", he added, pointing to our handcuffs.

"It isn't funny, InuYasha. Unlock the cuffs, now." Sesshoumaru looked so cool when he demanded things of people. I swooned internally.

InuYasha laughed and pulled out a small key, unlocking the handcuffs.

"It was funny for me at least. You two have some clothes in the room, so go back and get dressed and stop embarrassing everyone. Although, Sesshoumaru, you're looking pretty good…" InuYasha licked his lips and winked at his brother who growled in return before dragging me back to the room.

The handcuffs were thrown into the trash can as soon as we made it back inside and Sesshoumaru threw my clothes at me and walked into the bathroom to change.

"Thanks, I think…" I put my clothes on and sighed, walking to the little coffee table in the room. I picked up an advertisement and read the English words.

'_You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.' _

My eyes widened and I burst out laughing. Sesshoumaru responded quickly by storming out of the bathroom.

"What is it, Kagome?"

"Apparently we can take advantage of their chambermaid." I continued laughing, stuffing the advertisement into my pocket. "That's a keeper."

"Kagome, you need to grow up."

"I am grown up!" I walked to him and stood on my toes. "I'm almost as tall as you, too! So stop trying to tell me what to do!" I stuck my tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes and pushed me down. "Hey! Meanie."

"We need to get going. I'm sure our stay is almost up in this hotel." I nodded and agreed to leave because I honestly was afraid that by being alone in the room with Sesshoumaru, he may try something on me.

**-XOXO-**

I sighed to myself as we walked down the street, heading towards the car garage where InuYasha's car was parked. It had been a long night and a long morning that I really hoped I would never have to repeat.

My eyes roamed the bland scenery and stopped at the sight of a handsome man. I stopped walking. "He is hot…" Sesshoumaru looked at the man I was talking about.

"No, Kagome. We're going home before any more marriages occur."

"Yeah, Kagome. Besides", chirped InuYasha, "you and Sesshoumaru believe in monogamy."

I looked at InuYasha. "We believe in wood?" I started laughing. "InuYasha, you're an idiot!"

"Kagome, monogamy is the practice of having only one partner in a relationship." Sesshoumaru sounded agitated.

"No it isn't! Monogamy is that wood… the one kind… Uhh…"

"You mean mahogany wood." Sesshoumaru hit his forehead. "This is why I _won't _marry you."

I stared at him. "You won't…?" My eyes started to water subconsciously.

I had to remind myself not to cry. We were never dating or anything.

"Huh? Of course... not…" He stared almost in horror at a single tear that made its way down my cheek. He had hurt my feelings for some strange reason I couldn't explain.

"Then have a nice life." I ran away from them, tired of being confused all the time. Before I had gone to that house I was sure of whom I was. I was hilarious and idiotic and I didn't care what anyone else thought.

So why did I care now? Where had my humor gone?

**-XOXO-**

I had managed to salvage a lot of the money I had won, so I was able to get around town. I actually had a lot of the money with me in my wallet. I could buy a house in cash right now if I wanted to.

But I didn't. I just wanted to go back to my old box by the subway where I was accepted as I was and I didn't have to be confused. I knew I was hopeless when I was there.

I decided to waste some of the money I had to get back to the way I had once been. I walked into a random store and looked around.

"Could I buy some spiders please?" I smiled at the lady and put down a hundred dollars.

"You want spiders for that amount?" I nodded. She pulled out a huge plastic case filled with spiders and handed it to me. "There you go, I suppose."

I hugged her and ran out the door. I was getting back to my old ways!

I was able to find a new box that I set up by a shop on the side walk. I set down my spiders and put my hands around my mouth in order to project my voice.

"SPIDER FIGHTS! COME WATCH SOME FREE SPIDER FIGHTS TO THE DEATH!" Even though it sounded ridiculous, people came gliding (Hehehe) over to watch some deadly spider action.

I picked up to big spiders and put them on the ground.

"Hey, spider. You see the spider in front of you? Yeah, he slept with your wife… those eggs she had the other day? Yeah those were HIS! NOW KILL HIM!" I pushed them together and watched them struggle to pull apart, causing a fight to erupt.

People gathered around and stared. Some laughed at the action, some cheered it on.

But it was all stopped when a foot came crashing down on the spiders, killing them instantly.

"WHAT?! WHO DID THAT!" I looked up at the tall silver haired man.

"Hello Kagome."

I stood up quickly. "Sesshoumaru…" He stared at me intensely. "How did you find me?"

"It wasn't that hard. I just followed the screaming voices saying 'jerry! Jerry!' and there you were doing something ridiculous."

I glared at him. "You always insult me! I never do anything right in your eyes!" I stomped my foot in anger.

"Kagome, I said it was ridiculous. You never really gave me a chance to explain my feelings about these things."

I sniffled. "Fine. I'll listen."

"Everything you do is stupid and ridiculous and you always embarrass me and you look like a fool."

"And that's why I don't listen to you!"

"Wait. I love those things. You make things fun. I haven't been bored since you came to the house, so I would love it if you would return."

I couldn't believe what he was saying. He actually wanted me around! But he wasn't getting off that easy.

"You have to give me a kiss."

He sighed and leaned in, kissing my lips softly and pulling me close to him. I responded happily and wrapped my arms around him, twisting my fingers in his hair.

When we parted, everyone started to yell. "Where are the fighting spiders?!"

I pulled away from him and grabbed the case of spiders and opened it, dropping them on to the ground. "BE FREE SPIDERS! BE FREE!" I grinned as they scattered around.

Only to see a group of birds attack, killing many of my pets.

"NOO!!!" The people tuned away, tired of my stupidity. "My spiders!"

"Kagome, you don't need spiders. Come on. Let's go home."

I looked to him. "Fine, Sesshoumaru."

**-XOXO-**

Sesshoumaru and I walked through the door and what I saw astounded me.

Sesshoumaru was sitting at the table reading a newspaper.

Uh, why are there two… Sesshoumaru's?" I looked to the man beside me and noticed he was wearing make up. "InuYasha, why are you disguised as Sesshou… oh my gosh, I kissed INUYASHA?!"

Sesshoumaru, the man at the table, put the paper down and stood up, grabbing me by the wrist.

"I thought I would pull a little prank on you… Just to prove how accepting I am of your silly ideas. Everything InuYasha said to you is true. That's how I really feel."

I stared at him blankly and decided to prank him.

"So you're gay and have decided to date Hojo, the man who came to pick me up a few days ago and you never want to see me again because you'll be too busy with your fiancé?"

Sesshoumaru turned to InuYasha. "You said WHAT?!"

"I said no such thing", squealed InuYasha, who was now scared for his life. Sesshoumaru pounced on him and grabbed his shirt, shaking him.

"How dare you slander my name!"

I laughed and kneeled beside them. "I'm so glad to be home!" I leaned down and hugged Sesshoumaru who instantly stopped being violent and looked at me. "I love you Sesshoumaru!"

He stared at me. I swear I saw a small smile escape his lips, but it was probably my imagination.

"I'm glad you're here, Kagome", whispered Sesshoumaru.

"It's all because of a bottle cap", I responded, throwing my arms around him.

"Bottle caps, huh…" He looked into my eyes. "Whoever invented that contest should get a raise." He leaned back and pulled me over him and kissed my lips, but this time it was full of passion.

"A little help, please", said InuYasha, but no one heard him.

**The end of this story that took forever to write! This is a crappy ending, but I was gone from this story for so long, I feel like I can be forgiven for that… Hahaha… Maybe… Don't hate me! I am glad this is over because I have other ideas and stuff I want to get started at. My writing is different now, so it was hard for me to go back to writing a comedy. So this is less funny than the rest, but I'm sure it can still be appreciated it. I hope…**

**I love you all for reading, so thank you! I wish I could have done a better job on this and I am sorry for my… infrequent updates. Thank you so much, again! **


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